Tears and Laughters

Yesterday was the worst Red Cross day of my life.
I wanted to cry so many times but i couldn't.
What would it help if i did anyway?
The others would just be staring at me and maybe console me.
Which would actually make me cry even harder.
Every word that came out of my mouth was wrong.
Every step that i took was unsure.
Every command that i said sounded cold.
I didn't know what to do every second.
Firedrill was horrible.
I reported wrongly, late, repeatedly.
Then during footdrill, for the second time in the week,
Our level was split into half.
The 'smart' people were having the time of their life screaming and yelling.
(Did they know how excluded the rest of us felt listening to them having fun while we were getting more depressed by the second?)
While the rest of us sat at a corner listening to the NCOs talk about how disappointed they were in us.
Saying we never tried.
But what they never knew is how much work we put into studying.
Resulting in our results dropping drastically.
While some people may not mind failing their common tests and exceling in Red Cross,
Others may actually want to do their best for both.
I don't want to study so hard and still fail.
But how much i try, the result is still the same.
I don't even have enough time to do other things now.
I even sacrificed my projects just for red cross.
Now everything is going down.
And i didn't get promoted.
Even though i tried so hard for all the tests.
My IQ is going lower and lower.
Just like my results.
Until it finally reaches rock bottom.
During Promotion ceremony, i watched all my levelmates get promoted.
I felt like breaking.
But i promised myself that as the I/C,
I couldn't cry.
Ms Hing promised that she would let us get our ranks by July.
But that would signify how stupid and lousy i am,
That i would need some one's pity to be promoted.
That i was never capable of it myself.
Ms Hing also told us that she knew we had put in effort to do well.
At least some one could appreciate what we have done.
When she commended me on volunteering to join NDP,
I couldn't hold back my tears anymore.
The disappointment was too much to bear.
I don't know why i spent so much effort to accomplish nothing.
I don't want to remember but i know it will eventually catch up with me.
I just want to say:
- im sorry i was such a horrible I/C
- im sorry i made all of you sad too
- im sorry i was I/C
- and im sorry i spoilt everything for all of you.